This Wednesday - Halloween!!

It's my DJ night at The Skinny and it's also Halloween. I'm excited - it's going to be fun!!

The world has turned itself upside down

My world that is. This will be the first time in months that I have had three, yes THREE, full nights of sleep in a row in months! I can't remember the last time I even had TWO nights of sleep in a row. I suppose it was time for change. Even just a week or two of change. I know that I will never be able to stop drinking. I know that I will never be able to stop partying. But I do know that I can cut down and I do know that I don't have to be the wreck I have become in the past few months. How many black-outs have I had recently? Exactly. I can't remember.

I kind of missed myself.

I'm with the band

Every week I tell myself that I am going to have a week off. I don't mean a week off work, I mean a week off the rest of my life. Every Sunday I go out and get in at 3am at the latest (and that's usually when I start drinking at 8pm - don't even ask what happens if I start drinking later). That sets the tome for the rest of the week. It's as if I can't help myself, no willpower to stop. I need that Stoli on the rocks to get through the work week.
A few weeks ago I felt like I was walking through a haze, trying to dodge stones of my life falling all around me, but getting hit every time because my movements were too slow. I am finally stumbling out of it, hurt, bruised, older and just a little more cynical. But I still can't face myself right now. Oblivion still attracts me. Not being able to remember helps me through the abnormality of my reality. I should get away for a while, try to be something else, but my honesty just won't let me.

I went to see Jess' play last night "Angry Young Women in Low Rise Jeans with High Class Issues" It was excellent, funny, wittyand Jess was awesome. I'm still amazed that she has the guts to stand on stage every night in just a bra and thong and STILL act. I love that girl.

CMJ week is killing me. I haven't actually seen that many bands, but I caught Hannah's band Silver Rockets and my personal favourite New York band of the moment, A Place to Bury Strangers on Thursday. I think I will go to see them again tonight at The Delancey with Bruce's Girl. Then I know without even planning it that I will end up at Motorcity. I vaguly remembering being there last night and then going back to Darkroom (from where I am supposedly barred although not really). Drama drama. I'd much rather just be at Motorcity where the people who matter are real, honest and friendly. I've never experienced first hand drama there.
I also had to DJ on Wednesday night at The Skinny. Twas a lot of fun. As usual I ended up playing eveything and anything, especially as the night wore on... Everyone has a secret goth in them. People were dancing to The Sisters and The Cult without even realising it. Scott and me are doing Halloween night there too and I shall be going as an angel. All in white with a blonde wig. Paradox.

CMJs CMJs CMJs!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited.
i rock I roll is giving me CMJ fever. We are going to go everywhere and see everything! I am SO glad I am an insomniac.
Maybe I should just rest all weekend? Then I can see all the music I want next week without having to worry about fucking up at work.

Now he's gone love burns inside me

Sitting in an airport lounge at LAX. I'm tired but I feel much better than I have for a while. Still not anywhere near 100%, but my mind is a lot clearer than it was yesterday.

I'm tired of people telling me I drink too much. I KNOW I do. So just kep your thoughts to yourself. I've looked after myself pretty well for the past 29 years, I'm not gonna give up and fall into the oblivion of complete alcoholic dependency. Not just yet anyway.

So LA.
I got here at 10pm last night, waited an hour for Martha to fly in, got the rental car and directions to the Beverly Hills Hilton. Receptionist told me "take the 405 South the Wilshire Blvd East". After 30 mins of driving and seeing many "San Diego" sounds Martha realised we were going the wrong way. By the time I called the hotel back and someone intelligent gave me the right directions it was after 1am. We finally made it to the hotel (via 405 NORTH), went for valet parking and locked the keys in the car door. Yep. We had to wait another hour for someone to come help us open the car so this left me ample time to people watch.
- Group of Russian mafiosos stepping out of a limo with a high-class Russian call-girl (she came with them in the limo but the main mafioso sent her off in a cab about an hour later).
- Some trio of rich-kid idiots driving a black Escalade. Fat tattooed Hawaiian shirt idiot tried to talk to me but I felt justified in smirking and turning my head.
- Group of VERY rich Italian car racer people. I wish I could afford Christian Louboutin black stiletto peeptoes.

The meeting this morning went well. It's so nice to work with a bunch of people who appreciate you. It made me realise that part of the reason I feel so down all the time is because I feel that however much I do my main client contact always has something more, some shitty comment to make or just doesn't acknowledge. So working with this new team may help me like my job again. I'm giving myself until December to see if I feel happier there. In the meantime I am still going to pursue my other life, but I need to make sure it's productive, and not counter-productive as it has been these past few months. Even if it just means making many random blog posts and playlists.

I'm now sitting in the United lounge thanks to Martha. I've had 3 free coffees, am listening to Nick Cave and am craving a cigarette or 6 right now. I forgot my flip flops and there is no way I am putting my heels on right now, so it's my usual business trip attire of walking barefoot around airports. Yeah well nothing can be worse than the streets of the LES.

One last note: I love my friends.

When the lights go out my brain turns on

My emotions are way out of tune at the moment. I know there's something wrong but I cannot bring myself to get what I need for them. I've done so well without pills, and they make me feel so out of it and and zombie-esque that I don't want to. I'm afraid to lose all feeling. BFF amle L the L took me out for dinner last night and told me that I was either super sad or super happy at the moment. And he's right - there is no middle ground - either I'm dancing around a pole at Darkroom or literally dragging myself out of bed in the morning after 12 hours sleep not knowing how the hell I am going to make it to work without throwing myself under the subway.

So how do we make Happiness Paradox come back? Because even the Stoli-induced Happiness is not working so well anymore. It now just makes me fall off barstools or dance around poles while blacked out. And that really isn't sexy. It's just hilarious. (Lets not talk about how sad that is - at least I hang out in a neighbourhood where this happens to everyone else on a weekly basis too.)
I came to the conlusion that I needed to change my job a while ago. I'm very happy with everything in my life except for my job. Which I now hate. I can't even pretend that it will get better anymore. And my bosses can tell me over and over again that I'm a natural at what I do and excellent at my job - it doesn't change anything. I'm just not passionate about this industry. I love writing and I love music. I don't love localization. It's a job. It got me a visa to live and work in New York. But afeter 2.5 years it's driving me insane. I haven't written an interesting word for a year because I have absolutely no inspiration. And I HATE that.

I have an idea for a new novel forming in my brain. I now need to sit down and get it out. I will use my red eye flight back from LA on Thursday night to start putting ideas down. Baby steps. LA is going to be a blast (not): I fly in tomorrow night at 10:30pm, have a meeting from 9-11am and then I get the red-eye back in the evening. I haven't even prepared anything yet. It just doesn't interest me anymore...

I also need to write my experiences from last week down. Control and BRMC. And all of the rest. Stomping up and down Ludlow. I miss doing that with Paradox Twin. Especially because I've decided to finally walk my new boots in (the others are going to lose their sole soon. I cannot get rid of them yet though - I love them too much).

Why do I feel so tired? And why do I feel so sad all of the time. I need a Stoli on the rocks. I wish I could say no but it's the only thing that perks me up right now. Well there is another thing, but it makes me too sad to talk about it at this moment in time. Maybe later this week. Maybe never. Those who know know anyway.