My emotions are way out of tune at the moment. I know there's something wrong but I cannot bring myself to get what I need for them. I've done so well without pills, and they make me feel so out of it and and zombie-esque that I don't want to. I'm afraid to lose all feeling. BFF amle L the L took me out for dinner last night and told me that I was either super sad or super happy at the moment. And he's right - there is no middle ground - either I'm dancing around a pole at Darkroom or literally dragging myself out of bed in the morning after 12 hours sleep not knowing how the hell I am going to make it to work without throwing myself under the subway.
So how do we make Happiness Paradox come back? Because even the Stoli-induced Happiness is not working so well anymore. It now just makes me fall off barstools or dance around poles while blacked out. And that really isn't sexy. It's just hilarious. (Lets not talk about how sad that is - at least I hang out in a neighbourhood where this happens to everyone else on a weekly basis too.)
I came to the conlusion that I needed to change my job a while ago. I'm very happy with everything in my life except for my job. Which I now hate. I can't even pretend that it will get better anymore. And my bosses can tell me over and over again that I'm a natural at what I do and excellent at my job - it doesn't change anything. I'm just not passionate about this industry. I love writing and I love music. I don't love localization. It's a job. It got me a visa to live and work in New York. But afeter 2.5 years it's driving me insane. I haven't written an interesting word for a year because I have absolutely no inspiration. And I HATE that.
I have an idea for a new novel forming in my brain. I now need to sit down and get it out. I will use my red eye flight back from LA on Thursday night to start putting ideas down. Baby steps. LA is going to be a blast (not): I fly in tomorrow night at 10:30pm, have a meeting from 9-11am and then I get the red-eye back in the evening. I haven't even prepared anything yet. It just doesn't interest me anymore...
I also need to write my experiences from last week down. Control and BRMC. And all of the rest. Stomping up and down Ludlow. I miss doing that with Paradox Twin. Especially because I've decided to finally walk my new boots in (the others are going to lose their sole soon. I cannot get rid of them yet though - I love them too much).
Why do I feel so tired? And why do I feel so sad all of the time. I need a Stoli on the rocks. I wish I could say no but it's the only thing that perks me up right now. Well there is another thing, but it makes me too sad to talk about it at this moment in time. Maybe later this week. Maybe never. Those who know know anyway.