Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Sweet Surrender

Day 11.

Positive things: I feel great. My skin is beginning to glow again and I have more energy. I think this all comes from the combination of not drinking, getting more sleep and eating better. And, of course, not constantly working 15 hours a day. I feel more productive at work too, a lot more motivated and positive.

No negativity.

Difficulties: leaving my friends at 10pm last night, knowing full well they were all staying out to have fun - it was harder than I thought it would be, so I just listened to Calla on the way home, and once I was there I felt a lot better. Nothing can beat Tim Buckley, a good book, my bed, ginger tea and Luna :)

So I am feeling a lot happier and more positive already. I promised the girls that I would get a therapist, and I will. There re too many issues I have kept too far inside and haven't dealt with properly. BUT I need to do it on my own time. People don't understand that I have actually dealt with clinical depression for so many years that I don't remember when it started. Sadly this is often a hereditary affliction, and I don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life. Sometimes I fix it by curling into myself and becoming anti-social. Other times I tend to drink until I forget. Other times I channel it and use it productively. I need to learn to do the latter, because the self-destructive attitude just plunges me into deeper pits and doesn't really solve anything.

Winter is tough in New York, especially January. It's freezing cold, always dark when you leave work and pretty depressing. I want this January to be different, I want it to mean something. Change? Definitely.

I miss Dylan already :(

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