I'm restless tonight. Beautiful sunsets tend to do that to me. I feel like I should be running around outside, doing something fulfilling, something that makes me feel happy, elated, hopeful. Instead I am sitting at home still waiting for that same old thing to happen, the one I now know will never happen. The word "now" is a bit of a lie really. A complete lie because i always knew deep down that even letting myself hope a tiny bit was not the right path to take.
I don't believe that we are destined to be something. I don't believe that we follow the path that is laid out for us from birth. I believe that one makes oneself into what one wants to be. I may have the same genes as my mother and my father and my grandparents and my sister and my brother, but that doesn't mean I need to be like them. Not that that would be a bad thing, but I was not pre-conditioned to be the same person as my father or as my mother. I have a bit of both of them in me, the sad, the happy, the depression, the ability to put everyone before myself, the loss of hope and the knowledge that everything will turn out allright in the end. All of those bits and pieces mixed with bits and pieces of me.
Therefore I will continue to hope, even when I know that there is no point. At least it helps me imagine beautiful dreams before I fall into a restless sleep every night.