I finally managed to pinpoint this feeling I have been carrying around with me for the past few months - it's a feeling of chaos. I personally find it hard to deal with, chaos within myself that is. I set myself goals, limits, times, challenges all the time. I like to know what my mind is contemplating, analyse all my thoughts, understand how I am feeling, keep track of my feelings, thoughts, emotions, views, loves, hates etc via writing, photography, songs.
However, I don't mind chaos surrounding me. I have no problem jumping into the unknown and discovering it; as long as the chaos is happening on the outside I am fine. I know it sounds paradoxical, but it really does make sense in my head.
Picture it this way: I'm fine sitting peacefully with my eyes closed amidst the worst storm of the century, but I can't stand it when everything is playing ping pong inside my head at the same time.
I honestly want this headache I have had for the past three weeks to go away. Maybe then I will be able to make sense of all my thoughts, feelings and emotions again.
The last time I felt like this was during the last months of writing my MA thesis on Sylvia Plath. This scares me a little, so I feel the need to write it down.