Saturday, October 9, 2010

Real Happiness?

As with anything, I always get some kind of inspiration to write from a simple word someone may say, a song that comes up on my playlist and reminds me of a certain time in my life, a smell that brings along a feeling and then an idea... Today's thoughts came from a friend wondering whether she would ever be happy. I suppose that is a human being's eternal question...
When I was in my early 20's that's all I looked for. Some kind of eternal, all-encompassing happiness that would make my life worth living. I had no idea where this happiness would be (probably assumed that I would immediately be happy once I found the "love of my life"). I would appreciate the moments of happiness, joy, contentment that i felt along the way, but it was never enough, I was always looking for something more. How depressing when I think about it now... Running through life desperately searching for something that didn't exist, or at least didn't (doesn't?) exist in the form that I was imagining it to be.

And then comes the awareness that you are not going to find it. In my experience this wasn't a sudden, life-changing realisation, not like the ones I had experienced earlier on in life (realising I really never would see my father again, realising this world would never experience Peace etc). It was more like a gradual acceptance that this WAS life, and that happiness was not something with a capital "H", but it was a feeling, just like sadness is.

Nowadays I just look for all those moments of happiness as much as possible: chatting with friends over coffee, listening to a great song, writing something GOOD, taking an amazing picture, walking in the Autumn sun listening to music, reading a great book etc etc etc.

Or am I just all wrong? Am I just settling because I am too tired to keep searching anymore?

2 comments:

typhoid kitteh said...

i think you're spot on. Nothing is static in life, it's all about fleeting moments of okayness, of happiness, of sadness, of confusion...etc. Being able to experience all of these feelings is truly a gift, because only being able to experience one (even if it were Happiness) would never allow you to fully appreciate it. But you already knew that. Love you.

Paradox said...

Thanks love <3