Me and Joy Division

And why it hurts me every time I listen to them.

I used to listen to Joy Division. I sometimes listen to Joy Division now. I usually find it hard to get through one song before I have to switch to something else. I love Joy Division, they will always be up there in my top 10 bands. Always.

Reverse back a few years, I wasn't in a very good place and would listen to Warsaw and Unknown Pleasures over and over again. I would dance drunk to "She's Lost Control" thinking how perfect the song was for me, that it was probably written for me and people like me. Just read the lyrics, you will understand.

Reverse back a lot longer, Ian Curtis killed himself. He was depressed, he couldn't deal with life, fine - terribly sad, but I was too young to actually have any real feelings about this. But Joy Division was one of my father's favourite bands, he adored them. I suppose they were perfect for him as they were for him, based on whatever he was going through at the time, just in the same way that I adored them a few years ago.

Move forward a few years to another death, mimicking Ian Curtis'. Someone who had adored him. And this wasn't just terribly sad, it was devastating, and it's only now, 23 years later, that I actually feel I can accept it, and maybe move past it.

That's why I choke up when I watch Joy Division footage, why I have trouble listening to them sober (and as I don't drink anymore that means at any given time), and that's why I can't revere Ian Curtis like so many people do. He was so talented, but in such a dark spot. In a way it just makes me feel so proud that I got away from that same dark place. I just wish that the other person had too.

I watched Control once and left the screening a wreck. I will never be able to watch it again. It's amazing how one band can be so devastatingly good, but leave such a trail of devastation in their wake.

Sadness... Changes...

It's just a little bit saddening when everyone else's problems are a tiny bit more important than yours. I learnt to actually talk about the way I feel, to communicate when I am sad, angry or happy, but that doesn't mean I am always heard. It's a little frustrating when I am fine with listening and listening and listening, but when it comes to being listened to, it doesn't always happen. What do you have to do to make yourself heard? Something really stupid like drink yourself into a coma? I'm so over doing that type of thing anymore. So maybe I should just go back to not expecting any support or help anymore?

Please remember that strength and willpower don't mean the inability to be sad, breakdown, or to be super sensitive. They just mean you hide it better.

I walked from work on 34th and Park all the way home to Bushwick last night. My eyes kept welling up with tears and people kept looking at me sympathetically, but I just trudged on home, listening to Bella Donna to keep me going.

Some days are easier than others, but if I reach out to you please don't forget me. It's all going to be ok in the end, but I'm feeling very fragile this week.